Overachiever Wannabee

Yup, that's me.

An overachiever mommy wannabee.  A supermom wannabee.  I want it SO BADLY I can taste it.  And I try, I really do.

I think you truly would need eight arms.

I blame Pinterest.  And Facebook.  And bloggers.  I even blame my friends (both online and offline).

Everywhere I turn it feels like someone is doing something amazing and lifelong memory making and educational and crafty and organized and enriching.  And now that my family is also my job, I really feel like I should be doing all this too.  It's not like I feel like I should, but I don't want to, and that's what's holding me back.  I feel like I should (for my girls, not me) and I DO want to.

I WANT to be doing all this.  I want to set up "invitations" for my 2 year old to discover and learn through play.  I want to be doing creative things that my six month old can enjoy, so she's learning through play too.  I want to create a digital scrapbook for every month of each child's life so they both feel like they were cherished.  But somehow I just...don't.  I have plans and lists and ideas...but nothing more substantial than that.

I've noticed some of my other mommy friends dealing with this too.  We read blogs like Play At Home Mom and she makes it look so...effortless.  I know it's not, but sometimes I think "when does this mom sleep?  When does she clean her kitchen?  When does she do the laundry?  How the HECK does she make her house and "playroom" nicer than the nicest private preschools I've ever seen?"  I have a friend who is able to do a TON of her stuff and not only that, she documents it!  So clearly, this blogger is not an alien and people CAN do it.

People post on my message boards all the time about all that they accomplished before the end of the day, before dinner, before lunch, before breakfast!  They post pictures of ideas they found on Pinterest and tried and how much their kids loved them.

I joined Pinterest when I was still pregnant with Reagan, and then I totally ignored it for ages.  Recently, once Reagan started sleeping longer and I felt like I could stay up past 9:00 again and still function the next day, I got back into it (all my "followers" can now thank me.  For the past year I laughed every time I got an email that said "so and so is now following all your pins". ).  OK, I have never felt so inadequate, uncrafty, and uncreative.  These pinners are AMAZING (or crazy, take your pick).  Their children will have all these amazing documented magical childhood things, along with simple, homemade, easily frozen meals, a sparkling house, and Lord knows what else because I had to stop.  Naturally I didn't stop for long, and I still pin things and put them in folders and on pin boards.  But we'll see if I ever actually DO any of those things.

Yes, my house is clean "enough".  I'm type A, remember?  So I have a schedule.  The whole house is never sparkling all at once, because I have a baby and a toddler, but I do one chore every day and I manage to keep up.  I, as well as one of my internet friends, laugh at the commercial where the woman is all excited because her Swiffer duster made cleaning her ceiling fans so much easier and she can relax.  Um, maybe it's just me (and Diane), but do people actually clean their ceiling fans that often?

Yeah.  I don't do this until the dust starts to become solid.

Yes, my children are taken care of, with plenty of love and attention.  They are happy, healthy, smart girls.

See?  Happy!

Yes, we do more than sit around.  I'm a wannabee overachiever, remember?  So we have paint, playdoh, sensory boxes, activities with colors and shapes and letters and numbers and all those other learning activities.  My playdoh might come from the store, rather than being homemade, but I do like letting Madison play.  There are definitely days that are better than others.  Some days we're playing with homemade moon sand (8:1 flour to baby oil...feels like flour, molds like moist sand.  Messy, but fun.).  Some days we're watching Little Einsteins and playing with princess figurines.  Madison is happy either way.

Yes, I take pictures.  But not NEARLY as many as I should, and not NEARLY enough of Reagan.  I kind of blame the fact that I have an awesome phone now, and it's always with me.  I do take a picture of Reagan every month with a sign, just like I did with Madison.  But I don't think I've uploaded pictures from my "real" camera in....ummm....when was Reagan born?

Come on Mom.  Don't I deserve some documentation?

Yes, I make dinner every night.  When I was working I got into this routine of making 5 casseroles or slow cooker meals in about 2 hours on a Saturday, putting them (uncooked) into ziplocs, and making them during the week.  I fell out of that when Reagan came along.  I really should do that again...maybe Pinterest has something...who am I kidding, of course Pinterest has 17,000 suggestions.

No, I don't take pictures of my cooking.  I grabbed an image off google.

Yes, I help the household and finances run smoothly.  I try to find time to organize stuff so it stays clean and neat.  Also, I really enjoy saving with coupons, though I am by no means an extreme couponer.  Mostly because I have unwavering store loyalty, because gas points are the best thing ever invented, and I refuse to buy things we don't need just because I can get them for free or ten cents or whatever.

I'm not insane.  I promise. 

What's funny is that people have told ME that they wish they were doing things I am!  I want to send them over to where I get my ideas, poorly executed as they are.  I don't feel right taking credit, especially because I feel like comparatively, I'm falling short.  There is always someone who is doing more, better, with less effort, and with seeming ease.

I guess the moral is that as long as you are striving to be the best mom that you can be, you're doing MORE than enough.  This inadequacy is all in our heads.  The Pinterest people and bloggers don't post about when the toddler had a meltdown and the baby wouldn't nap and no one made it out of their pajamas until 3:00.  That doesn't mean I still don't have things to strive for, but I need to temper my expectations.  The girls want a mom who is invested in them, but not obsessed with them.  Heck, one of my favorite blogs to read makes FUN of moms like that.

But I still want to be supermom.  Judge away.

Mini post...more quotes

My evenings have NOT been free for blogging lately, and there's really no chance to do anything when two little girls are up during the day, so I haven't managed to get a post up in almost a week.  My GOAL (haha) is to get a new reflection up tonight, but in the meanwhile...

Saturday was a very busy day of playing and socializing.  In the evening, we headed to Reagan's godparents' (my best friend and her family) house to eat and play with her two little boys, as well as another family.  The evening was FULL of amusing quotes.  Here are some choice ones from the parents....

"We wear pants when we play with friends.  That is a rule.  Please stop taking your pants off".

"Take your trumpet and pliers and get OUT of Hunter's bed please".

"Watch out for that spot.  Wyatt just "watered" that tree".

"Madison, when a little boy rips his hand away from you, it means he doesn't want to hold hands now.  Please don't tackle him".

"Yeah, that sound just came from Hunter's room.  All the kids are in there.  But I'm making the choice not to check on them.  How bad could it be?"

"We don't run around naked in other people's houses". 

BUT....

"Do you want to join your friends and spin around in your diaper too?"

Back to ... normal?

So it's back to school time.  I can tell because most of my friends are teachers, and my Facebook feed has been clogged with posts about setting up classrooms, counting down days, making the most of the last week of summer, having bizarre school starting dreams, and the like.

And I'm not one of them this year.

It's a bizarre feeling.  My first year of actual teaching started in the fall of 2002, so for the past 10 years I've been going back to school as a teacher.  The 5 before that I went back as a college student, the 13 before that was my own K-12 days, and 2 before that was preschool.  So I've had a first day of school for the past THIRTY years.  For 91% of my life (that's right, I did the math!) I have spent the waning weeks of August buying school supplies, picking out outfits, and preparing for the September-June routine.

Since my maternity leave got off to an abrupt start in early February, people have asked me if I'll miss teaching.  Since I made my stay-at-home-mom status public in May, the questions increased about how I feel about it.  And now, well, they're everywhere I turn.

"So, does it feel weird to not be going back?"  Up until August?  Didn't really register.  Now?  Yes.  Yes it does.

"Are you SO excited to stay home?"  Yes.  91% of the time (I was going to say 90, but I liked the idea of having that percentage come back). 

"You are so lucky!"  I know.

"Do you think you'll miss it?"

There's the kicker.  I don't know.  School has been such a major part of my life that I don't know HOW to not have it and it's still too surreal for me to think about if I'll miss it.  If the girls were in preschool (and no, I'm not rushing them out), I would have THEIR first day of school to shop and plan for, and that might fill some of the void, but I don't.  Our routine honestly won't change that much.  Our Gymboree schedule will stay the same, our library class schedule will stay the same, we'll still have play dates with the same people.  We won't have swimming lessons.  That's it for the changes we'll have after this Labor Day.

I was one of the lucky women who had a choice.  Adam's job provides me with the option.  His employer provides benefits at NO cost to us, so I'm in an odd position of saying "teacher benefits...eh".  My salary would pay for childcare, with a small amount coming home to us after that expense.  I've been saying it's "nothing" but to many, many people it's not nothing.  But deciding to stay home wouldn't mean that we had to move to a smaller home, give up cable, or make any MAJOR lifestyle changes.  We can't be frivolous, but that's probably not a bad thing.  I'm not forced to go back and put two kids in daycare.  And I'm not forced to stay home, because the cost of daycare exceeds my salary and it doesn't make fiscal sense to work.  The choice wasn't an automatic one.  I got to make it.

Please don't think that I'm judging anyone who IS a working mom or anyone who thinks I'm a moron for even pausing to THINK before becoming a stay at home mom.  I've done short term SAHM on maternity leave and in the summer, I've done part time teaching, I've done full time, and I've done complete SAHM.  There isn't one right choice for anyone.  Personally, my worst experience was with part time work, which is what I thought was the best of both worlds.  For me, it was a terrible experience.  So my choice was black and white this time.  This isn't about what I think women should do.  This is purely about me.

Adam told me he would support either decision I made, although he did express a strong desire for me to stay home.  After the two years I've had as a working mom, I knew I wanted that choice too.  When you are working mom, you have many, MANY days when you feel like you're not doing enough.  You aren't doing enough to make certain people at work happy, and you don't feel like you're spending enough time with your kids.  I would feel guilty I wasn't doing as much as I used to at school, and I would feel guilty that I basically had two hours of awake time with Madison every day, and in that time we had to get ready to leave, make and eat dinner, and get ready for bed.  I LOVED her babysitter, I loved the socialization and attention she got, but I was so jealous of that time. 

And don't get me STARTED on days when your kid is sick.

I made the decision pretty easily.  I'm HAPPY with the decision.  I really didn't need to think about it all that long.  I get to be the one who raises my kids.  I get to play with them when they're well, I get to stay with them when they're sick without worrying about whether or not I got a substitute and how many absences I've tallied for the year.  I get to schedule doctor appointments for 10:00 on a Tuesday.  I get to go on playdates, and to Gymboree and to the library.  I get to truly experience their childhood.  I am SO HAPPY about that.

And yet....

91% of the time (yup, I'm going to use this number throughout.  It's pretty accurate.) I really loved my job.  I loved seeing every kid in the school, knowing their names, and having them know me.  I loved feeling like a celebrity when I walked past kindergarten lunch in the cafeteria.  I loved knowing that my job entailed a lot of PLAYING.  I loved feeling like I was good at what I did.  I loved seeing when a kid really "got" a concept, when a piece of music really spoke to them, and when my choir performed with such enthusiasm and musicality.  I loved my colleagues.  I loved stopping in to chat with them, about kids at school, our kids, books, movies, LIFE.  I loved the routine of my days and weeks.

Yeah, 9% of the time I didn't like stuff.  The paperwork part of being a teacher stinks.  I won't get into all that, but it's not fun.  Dealing with those FEW kids who I tried SO hard to like, but just couldn't get there because of their attitude or behavior.  Dealing with the small percentage of parents who felt that you would always be the enemy.  Having to be "on" all day long, even when you didn't feel up to it.   When I was having an off day, I couldn't shut my office door.  Heck, you can't even go to the bathroom until designated times. 

Long story short, I think I will have some moments when I miss it.  When I see my old colleagues laughing about something on Facebook, I will miss that adult interaction.  When it gets to be concert time, and I don't have one.  When one of the girls is having a bad day and I would love to just let someone else have them for just a LITTLE while.

But overall, as the school year creeps closer, I feel confident and happy.  I feel grateful that I had this choice, and I feel sure I made the right one.

Happy Back to School Season!  If you're heading back, have a wonderful school year!  And if you aren't...want to set up a playdate?

My "weekend off"

Yup, those quotes are accurate.

This past weekend Adam and I went to a wedding of his best childhood friend.  It was at a beautiful estate on the Hudson River, about 2 hours away from us.  It was an evening wedding, so we stayed at a local hotel.  It was an adults only reception, so it was just the two of us.  MULTIPLE people told me how nice it would be for us to have a "getaway weekend" and a "night off from the baby".

In THEORY, sure.

In the Meredith days, our prep and weekend would have looked like this:

Sometime in the week leading up to the wedding, I would choose a dress to wear, and get my nails done.  Saturday morning we'd pack an overnight bag (pajamas, toiletries, outfit for the drive home).  Saturday afternoon we would leave around 2:00, check in at hotel, change, and attend the wedding.  Sunday we would sleep in, have a nice breakfast out, and take our time heading home.  We might even throw in a little side trip or stop.

In the Mommy days, the prep and weekend ACTUALLY looked like this:

In mid-July, we had confirm overnight babysitters for each girls.  Because Madison is embracing her two year old self and Reagan is still a very needy infant who isn't consistently sleeping through the night, we decided to split them up.  Madison went to my in-laws since she's familiar with the dogs and the house is dog proofed, therefore a little more toddler proof.  Reagan went to my parents where she could sleep next door to their room and visit with my grandmother as well.

(Yes, Mom and Karen, we could have very easily switched them and/or you could have taken both.  You are both awesome babysitters.  But this is how we chose to do it.)

Two weeks before I made sure to track both girls and their schedules, especially Reagan, who is young enough where her schedule seems to change weekly.

A few days before I sent each grandmother a two page write up of the schedule, routines, quirks and needs of each girl.  I made a list of what each girl needed to take with her.  Madison's list had 21 items, Reagan's had 28.  I started a tote bag for each girl and put things in and crossed them off the list as they went in.  Then I made lists of things that couldn't go in until the day we left.  And I put sticky notes on things so I wouldn't forget anything, like Madison's Kai Lan cup or Reagan's milk.

Saturday morning I woke up early so I could shower (that is no longer a daily occurrence).  I finished packing each of the girls (which included thawing many ounces of milk for Reagan and transferring the freezer bags to bottles).  I loaded my car with all of Reagan's things and cleaned out the rest of the car (my parents picked Reagan up and drove my car to their house, since they were 40 minutes in the opposite direction), Adam's car with Madison's things.  I stole a half hour to whip a coat of polish on my toes and pack for myself.  At 11:30 my parents came to pick up Reagan, and I spent 30-45 minutes showing them all the baby paraphernalia and explaining how to buckle her in, fold, unfold, secure, assemble, disassemble, etc.  I nursed Reagan one last time, and she left for her very first sleepover.

Then I focused on trying to get Madison to eat lunch.  We managed to get her in the car by 12:30 and thankfully she slept on the way to my in-laws (she's in a "I no longer nap at other people's houses" phase.  It's fun.).  We woke her up when we got there, transferred her carseat over, brought her things in and spent the next half hour or so getting her comfortable playing.  THEN we left for New York.

Once the two of us left, driving and getting there was the same as it would have been pre-kids...oh, except that we got there, and the first thing I did was pump.  Thankfully we stayed in a hotel that had a mini-fridge in each room.  Rather than a cute little clutch, I brought my giant mom purse to wear with my dress, because in addition to my license, lip gloss, cash, and mints (standard wedding purse) I had to bring the pump and an ice pack and storage bottle.

The wedding was absolutely gorgeous.  Beautiful setting right at sunset on the Hudson River.  Aside from slipping away to pump, we enjoyed ourselves just like we would have pre-kids.  We ate, we drank, I danced (Adam doesn't dance).  I DID spend some time texting with both babysitters and found that one hadn't eaten dinner, and one was having a lot of trouble falling asleep, but overall, both assured me the girls were fine and to enjoy myself.  So I did.  By midnight I was completely exhausted, so I took the bus right back to the hotel instead of going to the after party, which ended at 2:00 am.  I suppose I could blame that on the kids and how tired they make me, but honestly I've always been a "fold early" kind of girl.  Still for purposes of this story...the kids make me exhausted so I skipped the after party that I TOTALLY would have gone to had I been childless.  Let's all agree that's how that decision making went.

As for sleeping in...well, let's just say, even though Reagan wasn't there to wake me up at 5:00, hmmm...how shall I put this...she made herself known in spirit.  I pumped again, in the bathroom since I have the loudest pump in the world and didn't want to wake Adam, who DID attend the after party and rolled in at 2:30.  I did manage to go back to sleep for a bit.

Around 7:30, we both got up, I pumped again, we showered, and ate breakfast.  Our goal was to be on the road by 9:00, because we had to pick up Madison, go home, get Reagan, switch cars BACK with my parents, reorganize and go to birthday party #6 (in 5 weeks....but that's another story).

By the time we got the girls to bed Sunday night Adam and I were practically falling down with exhaustion from the weekend.  In my "night off" I got no additional sleep, not even in the morning.  The prep to get the four of us out of the house for less than 24 hours was unbelievable.

Yes, in a few years, it will be easy.  The girls will think it's a treat to sleep at Grandma or Gram's house and we might send them off just for the fun of it.  They'll eat the food that's there, sleep in beds that don't need to be assembled just for them, and they'll bring....clothes.  I'll use that time to, I don't know, clean out their closets or something.

But right now, leaving a baby who is exclusively nursing is NOT quite the break it's supposed to be.  (I did have to explain to a few people that you can't just "stop nursing" for a day or so.  Not only will it mess up supply, it's painful!)  It kind of felt like when people used to see me getting ready to be out for three days to work with the National Children's Choir and tell me they wished they could "have a few days off".  Any teacher knows the prep work to be out is considerably more than just being in school (which is why so many teachers work sick).  Not to mention that I was leaving to do more work!

It was a beautiful wedding, and I loved spending time with just Adam. 

But as a "relaxing weekend away" goes...yeah, that's not quite a mommy experience!

Does the worry ever stop?

This morning I woke up with a sense of deja vu.

Reagan has been what I call "running hot" for a few weeks now.  No doctor's office would consider it a fever.  She's warm.  She's 99.5-100.2ish most days.  Totally happy, totally fine, but warm.  Most moms I talk to think it's a teething thing.  She is DEFINITELY teething.  She's drooling like crazy and gnawing on everything she can get in her mouth.  But Madison never had any temperature fluctuations during teething, so I don't know what to expect from this.  I have no idea how long before I can expect the tooth to pop through (honestly, as long as she's OK, I'd rather she take her time.  I love her gummy smile!).

Anyway, the last couple of nights she's been a REALLY fussy nurser.  The outside of her ear was pretty red and she didn't like when Adam or I touched it.  We decided we'd call the doctor this morning and get her ears checked.  I wish I could have been a normal mom about it.  But instead, I kept thinking, "here we go again".  Because nineteen months ago, when Madison was around 6 months, is when a simple ear infection snowballed into months of worry and medical stress.  I've danced around that story in a couple of posts, so for those that are interested, here it is:  the reason a fever will never be "just a fever" for me.

** Warning...this might get long.  Feel free to skim.  I won't be offended!  Sadly, this is only the first half of our journey!  :-)  **

When Madison had her six month appointment in January 2011, we mentioned she'd been congested for a while, but hadn't been feverish.  Still, she was new to daycare, several kids in daycare had ear infections, and we were concerned.  The doctor she saw checked her out and assured us that she was totally fine.  It was winter, she was around other kids, she would probably be congested most of the winter.  She reminded us of the home remedies we could use.

Well, within a couple of days, her fever spiked.  I took a day off work, took her to the doctor, and unsurprisingly, she had her first ear infection.  We picked up that thick, pink amoxicillin and started it that night.  Within a few hours she was fine again.  She took the medicine for 10 days.

On day ELEVEN, her fever came back.  Back we went.  The doctor who saw her that day told us she couldn't tell if it was a new infection, or that the old one hadn't completely healed, but her ears were not great.  She told us amox was a great first line of defense, but it didn't always kill the entire infection.  They use it initially because it's mild on the stomach and tastes good, and they like to save the "big guns" for when they need them.  She gave us a stronger antibiotic, warned us to make sure the pharmacy added a flavor, suggested we give her probiotics and yogurt, and sent us away without concern.  Madison took that for ten days.  Despite the AWFUL taste, despite the added flavoring, she didn't complain.

On day ELEVEN...back to a fever.  We were given a THIRD antibiotic.  Adam was with me for this appointment and requested an ENT referral, saying we would just be back again in ten days.  The PA we saw that day clearly thought we were panicky first time parents.  She told us she was sure that last antibiotic would work.  They still weren't sure if it was different infections or the first one lingering.

This time we were back before the days were up.  Naturally, her fever spiked up on a weekend.  This time, we not only got a new antibiotic, we got the referral.  I called the ENT on Monday, and thankfully, they were able to fit us in Wednesday.  We were going to see the APRN, but that was just fine with us.

Lisa looked at her and took her history, all the while telling us that ENTs try to avoid doing tubes in kids under one year, especially during cold season.  If they can get through that first "sick" season, a good amount of kids grow out of it without surgery.  She was suggesting a resistant bug, and that we might want to try a few days of injections at the office to knock it out.  She took one last look to finish up her exam and brushed the back of Madison's ear, and Madison screamed.  To her credit, she didn't panic, just told us she'd really prefer the ENT see her before we left.

The ENT came in, reiterating what Lisa had said.  Then he looked at her.  And brushed the back of her ear.  As she pulled away sobbing he looked at me and said "When did she last eat food, and when did she last nurse?".  He told Lisa to go to the front desk and book the first available OR.  We were doing tubes THAT day.  He explained that the infection had gotten into the honeycomb bone behind her ear, called the mastoid.  Once the infection was in there, it was really hard to get rid of.  Sometimes it even required removing the bone.  Looking at the panic on my face he assured me we had probably caught it just in time.

The good thing is we didn't have time to think.  We took her home, waited for her stomach to empty, and brought her to the surgery center a couple of hours later.  In addition to putting the tubes in, he told us he'd be suctioning and draining the infection, in addition to putting antibiotic drops directly in her ear.  It was simple, and he promised we would have a different kid afterward.  The surgery was quick, her recovery room time was quick, and she was eating a yogurt at home by dinnertime.

She was fine the next day (which was good, since it was tough day on me).  Friday she went back to daycare.  When I picked her up, her babysitter told me she'd been off all day.  Warm, sleepy, clingy, didn't want to eat or drink.  No fever, so I didn't call her doctor on my way home.  I didn't want to be "that mom".

I should have been "that mom".

Her fever spiked up late that night, and we were back to her doctor Saturday morning.  This time, the doctor barely looked at her before looking at me and saying what I was so grateful to hear.  "We are missing something.  We aren't helping her.  I'm going to send you to the ER to run some more tests".  Her ears were so swollen and full they couldn't even see the tubes.

After a quick ER exam by the doctor and the ENT, a urine sample through a catheter, bloodwork, and a chest xray, she was admitted for IV antibiotics.  Her ear was awful (both ears actually, but one worse than the other).  The ENT resident told me we were probably looking at more surgery.  I rode the gurney up to the 7th floor with her on my lap.

Turns out the resident was overly zealous and surgery ended up not being necessary.  But she was still there getting antibiotics.  It was the saddest thing in the world, seeing her in her miniature hospital gown, with the sock taped over her IV (she kept pulling it out) in a sad metal crib with bars.  I stayed in her room with her, and we were truly held captive in the room.  Since they didn't know what was wrong with her, they had to assume she was both contagious and a risk to other babies and toddlers on the floor, and susceptible to the other illnesses on her floor that had brought those other kids in.  It was both annoying and terrifying.

There were multiple doctors coming in and out and every 6 hours they pushed another dose of medication through her IV.  I had to hold Madison down several times a day to get the infected fluid sucked out of her ears.  Until you have held a screaming, fighting baby down who is looking at you, wondering why you are participating in their torture, you can't understand the part of being a parent that rips your heart out.  She still panics when anyone comes anywhere close to her ears.

Finally her ears began to look better, but both the pediatricians on the floor and Madison's own doctor were concerned by something that came up in her bloodwork, specifically with her white cell break down.  The cells that fight bacteria were almost non-existent.  She couldn't leave until she met with a hematologist and they cleared her, and potentially ran more tests.

After four full days, she was finally released, with extensive follow up testing scheduled to monitor her blood.  That turned out to be the fundamental problem.  She was diagnosed with and treated for autoimmune neutropenia. In another post someday I'll tell THAT story.  But her ears were finally clear and healthy.  She went to the ENT every other day for two weeks to suction out any residual fluid and get checked.

So to sum up, ears make me nervous now.  Seeing how one ear infection can snowball into months of medication, treatment, surgery, in patient stays and worry has caused me to look at ANY sign of infection as the beginning of a saga.  Here's Reagan, just shy of 6 months, reminding me SO much of her sister it's scary, and crying when we touch her behind the ear.  Deja vu.

We saw her doctor today (luckily, they know Madison's history as well as anyone, and I'm totally justified in my status as the crazy mom).  After 10 agonizing minutes of clearing out excess ear wax (yes, I had to hold her down again, and while I was used to it, I hadn't missed it and it broke my heart just as much as it did with Madison the first time), she could finally see inside Reagan's ear.

No infection.  Chalked up to teething.

I wonder when I'll completely relax about fevers.  Not today, that's for sure.

Mini Post - The things we say...

It's been a week of stellar quotes from both Madison and me.  Thought I'd do a mini post to share some of the finer ones.  It is definitely fun to have a toddler in the house, especially one who is so darn chatty.

From Mommy....

• I don't care if you don't feel well, I don't care if she smiles, it is NEVER ok to hit your sister with a hammer.
• Yes, your crayons are all gone.  Because I keep finding crayon pieces in your diaper and I'm tired of it.
• We don't wash our hands with yogurt.
• Please take the potty off your head.
• Reagan does NOT want to smell your pee!  (Upon taking off her diaper, announcing it was "P.U. stinky pee", and smooshing it into Reagan's face).
• Little girls are not allowed to go to church naked.
• Stop feeding your grapes to the elephant. (Yes, it's a toy elephant).

From Madison...

• We use a mouskatool! (in response to asking her how she planned fix a toy she'd deconstructed).
• Mommy, play doh is not for eating (said through a mouthful of blue play doh).
• I not go outside.  There's too many monkeys outside (squirrels).
• Reagan SO cute.  And Madison cute.  And Mommy cute.  And Daddy golfing.
• I visit Adler in the potty.

Many, many, more, but these are the few I was giggling at tonight.  Let's see what this week brings!

Support wherever you can get it (part 2)

I don't think any mom ever feels totally competent all the time.  I can't speak for everyone, but I NEED support, and lots of it as I do this on-the-job training in THE most important job I'll ever do.  Originally this  and my previous post were all going to be one, but as I started writing about the group last time, I realized that needed a full post to itself.   Since it was the breastfeeding group that inspired my thought to write on that particular day, I went with that first.  But now that I'm thinking about it, this deserves its own post as well, and I'm glad I can give it the thought it deserves.

(Quick tangent first; I recently learned that we're no longer supposed to put two spaces between sentences and someone pointed that I have been doing that.  They thought I might like to know.  Really?  When did that writing rule change?  I don't think my fingers are capable of doing that when I type.  So I'm going to keep doing it the old fashioned way.  If anyone is really bothered, well, I'd like to say I'll try to stop, but honestly, my first thought is "write your own blog".  Sorry).

That's actually not too much of a tangent, because I found that out via Facebook, and that's where my other support comes from.  Yes, you read that right.  The place where people go to argue incessantly about politics, post humorous cartoons, share the highlights of their day, post baby pictures that are apparently soon going to be replaced with cats, etc.  Because two years into mommyhood, a HUGE part of support for me EVERY SINGLE DAY comes from one particular Facebook group, made up of women who all had babies in July 2010.

Whenever I mention to people that I have an online mommy group, they sort of make a face and say "Oh, like on WTE or Baby Center?  I went on those message boards a couple of times..."  Then they either trail off or tell me a story about how stupid they found them.

I actually agree.  Those huge message boards aren't great, although I was on one pretty much the whole time I was pregnant with Madison.  I had NO idea what to expect with pregnancy, so it was a nice place to say "umm...the books didn't mention this."  Plus, because it was semi-anonymous, you could ask questions that were a little more...pregnancy detailed than you'd generally discuss with friends, but not quite medical enough to ask your doctor.

Eventually the board I posted on sort of migrated over to Facebook, which I liked a LOT more.  It felt a lot more personal to be talking to Sherilyn or Mandi instead of mommy2be or 2012JulyMom (to show how truly uncreative I am, my username was MereN.  But hey, it wasn't cheesy!)  For a while that group was fabulous.  Instead of what felt like thousands of random screen names, it was about 100 women.  We posted birth stories, asked questions, talked about everything child related.

Then, because Facebook loves to fix things that are totally unbroken, create a new set up, and then change it again, they redid how the groups were set up and suddenly the group swelled to over 500 members.  And like the message boards it became impersonal and catty.  Posts were getting lost and swallowed up.  People would deliberately post things to get people all worked up.  There were arguments that got NASTY, and nasty very quickly.  All those hot topics in the "mommy wars" (which I really hate...but no digression today...topic for another day) like feeding, car seats, TV, baby food, working moms, blah, blah, blah.  I didn't want to leave, because there were people I really liked, and I had to ask my questions and get my reassurance SOMEWHERE.  But it was getting really...petty.

I was sucked into one particular argument over nursing and was getting really upset and considering leaving more seriously, since I hate conflict so much, when suddenly I got an invite to a different group.  A truly awesome, sweet and drama free girl somehow knew that what we needed was a group of people who had been around and were generally level headed.  A spin off if you will.  This group was (and still is) secret, which means it's unsearchable on Facebook and would be locked in to women who had PROMISED to be anti-drama.  (Aren't you jealous of how exclusive I am?  I was initially shocked I made the cut!)

It. Is. AWESOME.  It's smallish (50-60 of us), so we all sort of "know" each other at this point.  To the point where we actually (gasp) use NAMES instead of the message board short hand that always really annoyed me.  (If you don't know what I'm talking about, trot on over to What to Expect and just peek at a birth club message board...LO, DH, DS, DD, TTC, etc.)  But we don't have to because we KNOW the names.  When Madison was going through all her issues last year, they knew all my fears and frustrations - things I didn't want to post publicly when we really didn't know Madison's diagnosis yet.  They probably know way more about autoimmune neutropenia than they ever thought they would.  I can post about her counts, and they know what I'm talking about (at least enough to know whether or not to say YAY or offer prayers!)

It is the perfect blend of anonymity and friendship.  Now that it's a small group, we talk about EVERYTHING - things I might be embarrassed to talk to anyone in person about, but that I would feel weird posting on some huge board in the internet ethos.  We talk about our July kids of course, and we have moved from newborn issues and celebrations to toddler issues and celebrations.  But we also talk about our lives.  Our relationships and families and husbands and boyfriends and jobs and houses and everything else under the sun (ladies, you know some of the "everything else" I'm referring to!).  When I have news, I post it there.  When I need to vent, I post there.  I tell you, it is like therapy for me.  I love getting advice.  I love hearing that I'm not the only one who has a toddler or baby who does certain things!  There have been times where I just pour out why I'm feeling like the worst mom in the world on a specific day.  And whether or not anything gets solved, just knowing that SOMEONE read it, even if no one can offer anything, makes me feel a little better.  Chances are, someone has dealt with whatever you are struggling with and can do or say something to make your feel better.  We share deals, coupons, pictures, cards.  I would truly consider these women FRIENDS, even though chances are I'll never actually meet most of them in person.  We're all so different, made so by ages, locations, situations, beliefs, etc, but that's what can be so great about it!

It's still 50 women, so it's by no means perfect.  We've certainly gotten into some hot topics and argued.  Feelings have been unintentionally hurt.  People flare up, and it IS still the internet.  You can argue like crazy and never have to look into someone's eyes.  People have left over arguments like that and it makes me sad, because that's not what the point was.  People have left simply because it's really easy to get too sucked into technology, and they felt it was better for their families to step away from the temptation to stay up late chatting with ladies from all over the country.  I hate when that happens too, even though I understand.

But ultimately, I know I need this in my life.  I need people I can be totally open with, where I won't feel judged and I can hear what other moms are going through, and I hope I've been as much of a help to some of the others.  We jokingly wonder if we'll still be in touch when we're talking about college applications, and I hope we are.  I never thought I'd have a group of internet friends.  But now that I'm a mommy, I need other mommies around to talk to.  And I love the support!  Like I said...anywhere you can get it!

Support wherever you can get it! (part 1)

Every once in a while you realize you've been taking certain things for granted.  Today I was really reflecting on the desperate need for support and community of other moms.

There are the obvious places for support of course.  Family.  Old friends (especially if they have kids too!).  But a huge part of what keeps me sane as a mom are the groups of new friends I've made since my journey into "mommy-hood" started, both in person and online.

I was reflecting on this today as I drove home from a World Breastfeeding Week event.  When Madison was born, I knew I was going to nurse her.  I knew it would have ups and downs and it was something I would need to figure out, but my type AAAA personality still had me reading THREE, yes THREE, complete books solely on breastfeeding before Madison was born, as well as taking a breastfeeding class.

Madison was actually a pretty easy baby to nurse.  But there were still moments where she'd cluster feed for hours, or scream while she ate or not poop for days and I didn't know if that was normal!  And after her two week appointment and weight check, I realized I wouldn't get her weighed again for another six weeks.  That was really scary to me.  There were no measuring devices on me to figure out if I was doing this right.

I looked online and found a local La Leche League that met once a month.  I went once and really hated it.  Not my thing, not my people.  I was hoping to meet other new moms, but the group consisted of two moms who had elementary school kids and hadn't nursed in years (thought, bizarrely, were wearing nursing tanks).  I was really disappointed.  I went home, and naturally, posted on Facebook my disappointment.

Within minutes, three people told me about a group that met weekly at a local hospital.  They said it was really well attended, you could weight your baby, was lead by a lactation consultant, and it was an amazing community of support.  So I decided to try it.

I still remember driving to that hospital the first time and feeling SO SURE this group really didn't exist, since I hadn't found it online and was going off the advice of people I only communicated with on Facebook.  I was talking to my friend on the way there and was pretty sure I was chasing something that didn't exist, and even telling her I was going to turn around and go home before I embarrassed myself. Then I saw several moms with strollers in the parking lot and I stealthily followed them.  And I am SO GLAD I did.

That group was everything I hoped for and more.  Babies from one week (or less) to over a year, and moms helping moms!  I immediately looked for moms with babies who looked about the same age as mine.  It took a few weeks of small talk and reintroducing ourselves, but slowly, friendships started.  That big group became a staple in my schedule.

As it turned out, a group of us who all had July/August/September babies went back to work at the same time and knew we couldn't attend a 10 am group anymore.  But amazingly, one of the leaders had started an evening group for working moms.  From 5-6:30 once a week, we could not only share our trials and ups and downs of nursing, but of daycare, pumping, sleeping, milestones, routines and everything we could think of.  After only a few weeks, a group of us turned from "moms who see each other at group" to friends.  I can't speak for what they got out of it, although I have some ideas, but they got me through some really emotional, trying and frightening parts of that first year of being a new mom, and a working mom.  When Madison got sick and we couldn't make it to group for a few months, they kept me in the loop, kept me included, sent cards, and made it clear that they were there for me, however I needed them.  When other parts of my support system faltered, they picked me up.

We all weaned our babies at various times around that one year mark.  We stopped attending group.  But we didn't let that support system die.  Thanks to texting, Facebook, and playdates, we have stayed friends, and even better, our KIDS have become friends.  They went from sitting in carriers as we talked, to rolling and crawling on mats (as we talked) to chasing each other (um, as we talked.  And chased them).  Most of the girls are working, but we have really made the effort to try for a playdate about once a month.  Again, can't speak for them, but I really look forward to those days!

Today two of those girls and I went to the World Breastfeeding Event at the hospital.  I'm nursing again, but group isn't something I've been able to do with a lively toddler, so it's been a while.  We missed the walk (long story for another post...maybe) but we made it to the celebration.  The current leader, who led our evening group and was as important to me as just about anyone during that trying first year, asked some of us to speak.  She mentioned that part of the group was breastfeeding support (of course) but another part was the lasting friendships.  And she was talking about us.  I know I'm super emotional since having my babies, but I was choking up thinking of how lucky I am.  That by CHANCE I found out about this group by complaining on Facebook (how often does Facebook venting lead to GOOD???).  That I didn't turn around and I went upstairs.  That I kept going even when it became another thing to squeeze into my working mom schedule.  That they wouldn't let me slip away when things were at their worst.  That we made the effort to keep up the friendships even after the nursing was over.

Madison is two and Reagan is growing at lightning speed.  I'm getting sappy and nostalgic.  But when I think back over the last two years, I realize that I wouldn't have made it to where I am today as a mom without this support.  Would Madison be fine?  Sure.  Would I be fine?  Of course.  But would I be the mom I am today without the support of women who were figuring things out alongside me?  I don't know!  All I know is that I'm so thankful for the support they've given me.  And today was a great reminder of not taking those things for granted.  I will take support wherever I can get it.

Yes, Madison is the crying one.  She didn't have a snack.  My bad.

Coming next time...support from those I've never even met!!!

Takeover!

Today I was cleaning up downstairs while the girls were napping (or not napping, but that's another story) and I came to realize that I need to go ahead and accept it...

For the next few years, our main floor will be overtaken and there will be no mistake that two small children live in this house.

Last night, Adam and I decided that we no longer need the Pack and Play open in the living room.  Reagan hasn't slept there in a few months, I stopped changing her there about a month ago when she got too wiggly, and it was becoming a bit of a dumping ground for two sizes of diapers, blankets we don't currently use or need, wipes I need to keep moving as Madison gets more inventive about how to reach inside, pacifiers, etc, etc.   So I cleaned it out, we collapsed it, moved the attachments to the attic, and the rest to Reagan's closet.  As we did this, we talked about how nice it would be to get our living room "back".

Um, yeah.

Granted, it's nice to have access to the piano again.  But even with the Pack and Play packed away, here are the things currently residing on our nice living room rug, in our navy, forest green and maroon living room with dark chestnut furniture (note: this does NOT include the toys I have neatly stored in furniture units or the play kitchen against the wall.  These are things that are smack in the middle of the floor, with no other place to reside):

• One playmat in bright aqua, with three crisscrossing bars with toys danging from them.
• One mini trampoline, 40 inches in diameter, with a handlebar to grab when jumping.
• One turquoise and white exersaucer, also festooned with bright dangly toys
• One "travel" swing (admittedly smaller than most "full size" baby swings I've seen, but not "small" or what a normal person would consider "traveling" with by any means).
• One aqua bouncer that is almost completely flat because of multiple toddlers climbing into it and bouncing themselves.  This was very useful when Reagan was about a month old, but now that she wants to actually see the world or play in it, is completely useless.
• Three hot pink bags and one hot pink wagon of megablocks.  Ok, those are against a wall.  But unlike the kitchen, they don't so much blend in with the decor.
• One Mickey Mouse ride on fire engine.
• One double sided easel.

So somehow, the removal of the Pack and Play didn't seem to make a difference in that room.  Go figure.  It coincided nicely with the arrival of the exersaucer and trampoline.

Yes, you might say. I agree that despite the grown up furniture and potted plant this room clearly belongs to the children. But Meredith, that is ONE room.  And considering how that room housed a piano and Christmas tree ONLY up until two years ago when you inherited furniture, do you really have a right to complain? Point taken. However...

Well ok, the family room is better.  Except for the giant play yard baby gate that stretches across the corner of the room that houses the TV and fireplace.  And the Winnie the Pooh armchair.  And the potty (yes, the potty). And the model Mickey Mouse Clubhouse (originally planned to be in the living room.  But after the two year old tried to move it by herself every morning, which resulted in pieces coming off and needing reassembly EVERY time, we gave up and leave it out).  And instead of keeping magazines and our wedding album under the coffee table, we now keep a box of crayons and coloring books and several potty training stories.  There are no longer any candles/picture frames/decorative things on the tables.  We used to have a candy bowl.  I kind of laugh at that now.

The kitchen is normal I guess.  A high chair and a booster so it's pretty obvious we have small children, but our high chair attaches to a regular kitchen chair, so we all sit at the table together and there isn't a giant stand alone high chair.  Our counters get cluttered, and some of that is the girls' stuff, but none of it actually BELONGS there, so I don't count that.  The pantry and cupboards are semi-clogged with baby and toddler food, but again, you don't see that.

The dining room is baby gated off.  A china cabinet, wine rack, and humidor aren't exactly toddler friendly. It looked really nice for a long time because it was hard to "mess up" since it wasn't easily accessible. Ok, for a while we made sure to put bags, purses, briefcases, etc in the dining room and suggested guests do the same to avoid having their bags emptied and reclaimed.  But that wasn't really a mess, and anyway, they'd be hard pressed to do that now.

Because I got my wannabe-overachieving-hey-I'm-a-creative-stay-at-home-mom-who-does-fun-projects-and-doesn't-need-expensive-toys-to-learn-just-lots-of-play bug.  Which seems to require a lot of STUFF.  I have the stuff VERY neatly organized.  Three sensory boxes (oatmeal, fish tank gravel and rainbow rice), a container of moon sand, beans and a tablecloth, and several clear storage boxes with craft supplies.  And another crate for play doh and all the accessories that go with those.  It's neatly organized, I promise.  But somehow a pile of storage bins and boxes, however neatly stacked, still doesn't scream "dining room".

Where am I going with this?  It's time to truly ACCEPT that this is our house right now, and that's not a bad thing.  It says we have two really lucky little girls living here who have fun all day long.  Honestly, it only bugs me when a) I miss a day of picking up and have to wade through everything to get it back in semi-order, b) we entertain....(hold on, I'm laughing.  We either entertain our parents or people with small children whose houses look the same) or c) I read a magazine or look at pinterest and feel like I should be able to have child-friendly-accessible-creative-playful-organized-neat-and-yet-adult space (to go with my bug that I mentioned above).  Someday my house will be uncluttered and adult again.  But that will mean my girls are grown up.  And I'd rather enjoy the takeover for as long as it lasts.